I have always been fascinated by the effect words can have on us.
A few words can calm someone almost instantly. They can help a person see a situation they have been stuck inside for months in a completely different way. They can bring back belief when worry has taken over. And sometimes one sentence can stay with us for years and change the choices we make long after the conversation has ended. I will never forget one sentence that my coach said to me ‘The result you get is the communication you give’ – now I pause and think of this first.
This type of communication for me is very different from simply giving someone knowledge. Knowledge and learning has its place, it matters. But knowing more does not automatically mean that anything changes. How often have you signed up to a new course and either not done it or started and not acted upon the information?
Real change happens when something lands deeply enough to alter how we feel, how we see the situation and what we do next. Words can change our state and before we can act differently, we often need to feel differently. When someone is stressed, fearful, angry or overwhelmed, their thinking can become very narrow, everything becomes urgent and necessary or problems can seem even bigger in light of the new knowledge.
Two things stand out for me here: too much info can do more harm than good, creating freeze mode rather than action, and in that state, even good advice can become hard to hear. This is also why I pay so much attention to how someone feels in a conversation, not just to the words being exchanged.
People often tell me that they feel calmer simply by sitting with me. Their worries begin to fade. They can think more clearly. They start to believe that there may be another way forward. I know that the energetic side of my work plays a part in this. Angelic Reiki, intuition and the energy I bring into a space are woven into how I work with people. I do not separate that from communication because, for me, the two influence each other.
Words can land very differently when someone feels safe, calm and truly heard. That change in state can be the first shift. And once that happens, a person may be able to hear something they could not hear five minutes earlier.
More information is not always more valuable
We can easily fall into the trap of thinking that more means better. More information, more pages, more models and systems, more action points. So many things to remember it must have been a great workshop, but there is a point where more information stops being helpful and simply becomes another source of overwhelm.
I have seen people leave training full of ideas and good intentions, then do very little with any of it because they do not know where to begin. That does not mean the information was poor. It means there was too much distance between knowing and doing.
For me, the real question is not, “How much did I give someone?” It is, “What changed because of it?”
Sometimes one sentence will have more impact than an entire workbook. One question can help someone recognise a pattern they have repeated for years. One reframe can help them make a decision they have been avoiding. One small story can give someone proof that change is possible.
That is when knowledge becomes useful, not more sitting in our heads but when it changes something in the way we live, think, lead or respond.
People will hear or perceive the information differently.
The same words do not mean the same thing to everyone, we all hear through our own filter. We have our own map of the world in which we operate and view from. Our past experiences, beliefs, fears, expectations and understanding all influence the meaning we give to what somebody says. So two people can hear exactly the same words and take away something completely different.
This is why simply giving somebody information is not enough. We may think we have explained something perfectly clearly, but if it has not connected with the way that person understands their situation, it may not help them at all.
For me, good communication is not only about paying attention to how those words are being received but choosing to move into their map of the world and speaking from there. It is then possible to lead them into our map of the world and understanding to change perspectives and reframe to help understanding.
Sometimes a person does not need a better solution given to them, they need that information translated into a way that makes sense in their own experience. When I speak I know that this is the difference between my audience nodding along and somebody genuinely seeing something differently and coming to thank me because it is just what they needed to hear today to change their world.
We always need to check understanding
Do you check that what you have communicated has landed? What are they assuming and actioning may not actually be true, but it is how they perceived what you wanted them to do. So how do you check what part made sense to them, what may have created resistance and if your communication will get you the results you desire?
Well my advice is to gently check their understanding of your conversation or what they will take from your discussion. You could ask what they will do next, what are the next actions to plan. Be mindful of how you ask these questions as you do not want to create a defensive response you want to work together, ensure they understand that your aim is to get better at your own communication not to test their listening skills.
Reframing can change what happens next
This is one of the things I love most about words. A situation itself may not change, but one different way of looking at it can change everything that follows. We can become very close to our own problems. We replay the same thoughts, make the same assumptions and interpret events in the same way again and again. Eventually, our interpretation can start to feel like fact and immovable.
A different person’s perspective given in the right way when you are in a safe state can interrupt that.
One client told me that she would never have seen the situation she was in had I not helped her reframe it and supported her to act with the strength she did.
What changed first was not the situation around her. What changed was what she could see. That gave her access to new paths and choices she had not felt able to make before.
Another client and I were celebrating some actions he had taken successfully when he said to me, “I couldn’t have come to these without you. You rewired my brain to think differently.” I loved that phrase because it says so much about what a shift in perspective can do. It was not about giving him more knowledge. It was about helping him think in a different way. That different thinking led to different decisions which gave new possibilities and solutions.
Insight needs somewhere to go
A powerful conversation can create a big shift in the moment. You can suddenly see clearly and you can understand what has been happening. Now this can make you feel lighter, brighter and more confident. But it can also be a life changing moment that has shown you a dark side that needs to be dealt with, requiring brave decisions and calling on new strength.
Energy shifts and needs to be held and transmuted, insight needs somewhere to go when real life resumes. This new insight on its own is not always enough, if the insight is going to create lasting change, it needs somewhere to go next, to hold space to process the new information and to help transform this into practical next steps. This is why I believe so strongly in small, manageable actions. People do not need a long list of things to change, we need to prevent overwhelm and offer one small habit that can actually be used in the moment. This is far more powerful and has greater success of actually being done.
Then the key is to help hand hold the next few steps as they move on the new path and build momentum in the change.
Because what happens is they go back to their world, the emails arrive. Someone says something that triggers them, a difficult conversation happens and the pressure builds again.
How do you ensure you are prepared for this, for when those words land with your new map of the world?
Learn to embrace each trigger as a key piece of information, build your awareness. I often encourage my clients to pause and notice what is happening and to record triggers and reach out with them to me. You can do the same by asking yourself these questions.
- What actually happened?
- How do you feel?
- What are you making it mean?
- Then look for the facts.
- What do you genuinely know to be true?
- What have you added through fear, assumption or previous experience?
That short pause can completely change what happens next.
Instead of reacting immediately to the story we have created, we have a chance to respond to what is actually happening.
It is a simple practice, but that is part of its value.
If something is too complicated to use when you are stressed, busy or emotional, it is unlikely to become part of your everyday life. Small actions are achievable. Repeated often enough, they become habits. And habits can create very significant change over time.
Why mentoring is worth investing in
I wrote this blog when reflecting on client feedback and thinking about the power of words and quite simply this is one of the reasons I believe so strongly in mentoring. Not because a mentor shares words of encouragement and new knowledge. We are certainly not to be measured by how much advice can be fitted into our sessions; people used to tell me that they wrote copious notes each time we spoke with so many golden nuggets to take away. At first I thought wow I am really helping them, then through experience I learned more about the way information is received and became focused on the transformation I deliver.
The value of mentoring is in having someone who can help you see what you cannot currently see for yourself. A mentor who can hear what sits underneath the words you are saying, notice the patterns, feel the energy and what is going on with you.
Then safely challenge an assumption without making you feel judged, separate fact from fear. Bringing you back to a calmer place and state where better thinking becomes possible. Even more importantly, help you turn that new understanding into an action you can actually take and support you through it.
This is why I started to focus so much on how words matter.
It is not simply about knowledge transfer, it is about creating lasting change with this information. Ensuring the words land in the right way to create the practical action necessary. The energy with which these words are delivered is also important and that is a whole other blog because your energy lands before your words.
People are not one-dimensional. We think, feel, react, remember, assume, hope and fear. So meaningful change often needs more than one way in.
Words stay with us and we need to choose them wisely. The most powerful words are not always the ones that teach us something new. Sometimes they are the words that help us finally see what was already there. Maybe they just remind us of our own strength and to believe again in what is possible.
This is why I care so much about learning the power of words and making time to talk with others.
Words don’t simply inform us, when they are heard in the right way, in the right space, they begin to transform us.
